"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything." - James 1:2-4
After the accident I prayed a lot for God to let me understand why that had to happen. Why did my family have to go through this?
I remember laying in the hospital after my medical team had just done a dressing change they knocked me out for and I was in a lot of pain when I woke up. A nurse came to move my IV because the site they had it in had stopped working, so they needed to move it for about the third time. They yanked that IV out of my arm so hard that I literally yelped.
Taylor was there with me when the nurse left and at that moment it was really hard to see why I had to go through the trauma. I just kept crying and asking him why- why the pain? why the death? why the accident?
Now that I'm a few months removed and on the better end of that situation, I can see a few blessings. And for those I'm very thankful. I know God's purpose and lessons for my life often come to be a lot different than I would envision them - Lord knows no one would ever beg for this to happen. But as the saying goes, you pray for something and then God doesn't immediately give you that characteristic, he give you opportunities to shape you into that characteristic.
And that's definitely what he's done here.
I've become more responsible with my time and money. There are so many extra things I have to do during the day- making phone calls on my mom's behalf, paying her bills, etc. that I've been forced to grow up. A few of my relatives have commented on how well I've handled that. I'm proud of myself for doing it also.
Talking about feelings. So it took me over 23 years to realize I don't discuss my true feelings about lots of things to many people. There are a few people like my Mom, Dad, Taylor and other close friends that I feel most comfortable with crying in front of, and would never do it in front of some people. That's just how I am, I guess. It took my counselor confronting me about it (in a way) for me to realize I kind of just adapt to life. Growing up I was forced to handle unideal situations (which who doesn't really?) and instead of talking about them, I just shut it out and figured out how to survive rather than discuss my feelings. My counselor said that's very common and I'm not crazy for developing that, but it got me thinking that I really didn't realize how much I keep in. I'm trying to be better about that.
My mom has committed to stop smoking. Lord Jesus this is the biggest blessing to come out of this entire situation! My mom has been a smoker since she was in high school. Before the accident when if I ever had to picture my mom at the end of her life and what health problems she would face, I just knew it would be lung related due to her smoking. Thankfully because of the accident and her being in the hospital she has gone through all the withdrawals necessary and hasn't smoked in over three months! She has told all of us that she won't ever smoke again - and honestly, I'm afraid of what it would do to her now if she did. She had some lung damage from smoke inhalation and her lungs were actually burned. They have healed now, but I'm scared of what just one cigarette could do to her. And thankfully she is too.
I've put less emphasis on physical appearance. Now from my last post you know that they had to shave my head in the hospital. And I would be lying to you if I said I didn't miss my hair. But having to go through life with no hair and wondering if people thought you were going through chemo or something is an interesting thing. As bad as this sounds, I wondered if people thought I was a lesbian because of my hair and the fact that all I could mostly wear was unflattering, comfy clothes that it looked like I either didn't care or didn't have a husband to care about. (I know this is only a stereotype, but if I'm being honest, that's truly how I felt.) I couldn't wear my wedding ring for about a month due to swelling, which made those feelings even worse. Right before the accident I was watching and reading a lot of beauty blogs about how to do hair and make-up. In a weird way, I think I was putting too much emphasis on physical appearance. And we all know what Jesus can do when we do something he doesn't think is right. Yep, he'll take your hair! Now, I'm not saying this it's bad to wear make-up, but when it takes over it's too far. I was probably on the verge of too far.
Along with physical appearance, I do have some scars as a result of the accident. Some are on my face, but it can mostly be covered with make-up. My biggest scars are on my hands and I have some scar tissue that is still painful/itchy. The doctors say my skin will probably return to normal over time, but honestly I wouldn't hate it if they stayed. In a weird way it reminds me of what I've gone through and overcome. New people I meet don't usually notice them anyways, and it's nice to have some physical representation of what I went through as a burn survivor and can tell my story to other burn survivors.
I'm trying to take every day one step at a time and I'm very thankful to God and his healing power, both physically and mentally. Last week I was able to see my mom and she looked better than ever. She was so present in mind that it was like old times again. We were able to snuggle a little in her bed like we used to, and I was able to tell her about life for us while she was in the hospital. It was a very special time. It was like I got to be the mom and I was taking care of her.
I will always remember that.
