Hidden Blessings

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything." - James 1:2-4

After the accident I prayed a lot for God to let me understand why that had to happen. Why did my family have to go through this?

I remember laying in the hospital after my medical team had just done a dressing change they knocked me out for and I was in a lot of pain when I woke up. A nurse came to move my IV because the site they had it in had stopped working, so they needed to move it for about the third time. They yanked that IV out of my arm so hard that I literally yelped.

Taylor was there with me when the nurse left and at that moment it was really hard to see why I had to go through the trauma. I just kept crying and asking him why- why the pain? why the death? why the accident?

Now that I'm a few months removed and on the better end of that situation, I can see a few blessings. And for those I'm very thankful. I know God's purpose and lessons for my life often come to be a lot different than I would envision them - Lord knows no one would ever beg for this to happen. But as the saying goes, you pray for something and then God doesn't immediately give you that characteristic, he give you opportunities to shape you into that characteristic.

And that's definitely what he's done here.

I've become more responsible with my time and money. There are so many extra things I have to do during the day- making phone calls on my mom's behalf, paying her bills, etc. that I've been forced to grow up. A few of my relatives have commented on how well I've handled that. I'm proud of myself for doing it also.

Talking about feelings. So it took me over 23 years to realize I don't discuss my true feelings about lots of things to many people. There are a few people like my Mom, Dad, Taylor and other close friends that I feel most comfortable with crying in front of, and would never do it in front of some people. That's just how I am, I guess. It took my counselor confronting me about it (in a way) for me to realize I kind of just adapt to life. Growing up I was forced to handle unideal situations (which who doesn't really?) and instead of talking about them, I just shut it out and figured out how to survive rather than discuss my feelings. My counselor said that's very common and I'm not crazy for developing that, but it got me thinking that I really didn't realize how much I keep in. I'm trying to be better about that.

My mom has committed to stop smoking. Lord Jesus this is the biggest blessing to come out of this entire situation! My mom has been a smoker since she was in high school. Before the accident when if I ever had to picture my mom at the end of her life and what health problems she would face, I just knew it would be lung related due to her smoking. Thankfully because of the accident and her being in the hospital she has gone through all the withdrawals necessary and hasn't smoked in over three months! She has told all of us that she won't ever smoke again - and honestly, I'm afraid of what it would do to her now if she did. She had some lung damage from smoke inhalation and her lungs were actually burned. They have healed now, but I'm scared of what just one cigarette could do to her. And thankfully she is too.

I've put less emphasis on physical appearance. Now from my last post you know that they had to shave my head in the hospital. And I would be lying to you if I said I didn't miss my hair. But having to go through life with no hair and wondering if people thought you were going through chemo or something is an interesting thing. As bad as this sounds, I wondered if people thought I was a lesbian because of my hair and the fact that all I could mostly wear was unflattering, comfy clothes that it looked like I either didn't care or didn't have a husband to care about. (I know this is only a stereotype, but if I'm being honest, that's truly how I felt.) I couldn't wear my wedding ring for about a month due to swelling, which made those feelings even worse. Right before the accident I was watching and reading a lot of beauty blogs about how to do hair and make-up. In a weird way, I think I was putting too much emphasis on physical appearance. And we all know what Jesus can do when we do something he doesn't think is right. Yep, he'll take your hair! Now, I'm not saying this it's bad to wear make-up, but when it takes over it's too far. I was probably on the verge of too far.

Along with physical appearance, I do have some scars as a result of the accident. Some are on my face, but it can mostly be covered with make-up. My biggest scars are on my hands and I have some scar tissue that is still painful/itchy. The doctors say my skin will probably return to normal over time, but honestly I wouldn't hate it if they stayed. In a weird way it reminds me of what I've gone through and overcome. New people I meet don't usually notice them anyways, and it's nice to have some physical representation of what I went through as a burn survivor and can tell my story to other burn survivors.

I'm trying to take every day one step at a time and I'm very thankful to God and his healing power, both physically and mentally. Last week I was able to see my mom and she looked better than ever. She was so present in mind that it was like old times again. We were able to snuggle a little in her bed like we used to, and I was able to tell her about life for us while she was in the hospital. It was a very special time. It was like I got to be the mom and I was taking care of her.

I will always remember that.

Whirlwind

Well, I've neglected the blog realm long enough that I've shamed myself into writing again.

So, let's recap what's been happening since over...eight months ago, shall we?

1. I got married! (the new header picture is proof, obvs)

2. Taylor and I are adjusting to living together, of which my affection for can be determined by how much he snores or plays hockey on his PS3. Just kidding. Sort of...

3. I have a new boss at work! He is simply wonderful and I'm so happy we have a great guy like him on board with our organization's mission!

4. I traveled out of the country for the first time! Yes, the daughter of the travel agent has never been out of the country till she was married off. For shame, father. We went to Playa Mujeres, MX and loved every second of it. Except the 4 a.m. plane ride home.

5. I was sort of in the hospital for a week. Which I think is partly why I've been neglecting my blog so much (besides the whole getting married thing). Getting this out in public view is still a little unnerving, considering I'm not sure who knows and who doesn't. But I'll explain below.

I visited home (Kansas) the weekend of Oct. 8 and was staying at my mom's house. The weekend was pretty normal; she had a friend in from Missouri that I hadn't seen since the wedding, and some of her friends came over for a BBQ. Typical weekend. Taylor was with his dad in Dallas at the OU v. Texas game (his first ever to attend, so I let him slide from coming home with me...). Sunday morning I was getting ready to leave to head to my dad's house and have lunch with him. I started to pack and was fixing my hair in the bathroom when our home exploded due to a propane leak which was ignited when the furnace kicked on.

First, there was a flash fire along with the explosion which leveled our two-story house. After the fire subsided I knew we had to get out. I immediately yelled for my mom and made sure we could get out of the house. 3 of the 4 of us made it out. Our dear friend Mary Lou was not so lucky.

After the ambulances and fire truck arrived and we were assessed my the medical staff (and called my family, of course) we were taken to a hospital in Wichita and debride. I stayed in the burn unit for seven days, and my mom was just down the hall from me. My prognosis was second degree burns to 15% of my body. This included my head, face, hands/left forearm, abdomen and tops of my feet. I was bed bound for just over a day. The second day I was there they had to shave my head because I had burns on my head. Not to mention my hair was basically ruined anyway.

My mom was air-lifted to the hospital. They put a ventilator while she was in the ambulance. Her prognosis was second degree burns to 45% of her body with a small third degree burn on her foot. They shaved her head also. She had several complications while in the hospital- they weren't uncommon to burn patients, but she fought through them like we knew she would. She has been through so much since Oct. 9 and is expected to make a full recovery, which I am ecstatic about (to say the least).

So, the past few months have revolved around lawyers, insurance, hospitals, physical and occupational therapy, wigs, Vaseline, doctors, meetings and lots of trips to Wichita. The house is still under investigation and no person/business has been found at fault yet.

Also, I've left out a lot of details due to a few reasons:

our lawyers advice and to protect my family. I have received phone calls and messages from Wichita area reporters wanting to interview me (one of them was while I was still hospitalized) about the accident. I have refused any interviews thus far, and because I know the media does want to get their hands on some information, I don't want to release public information on my mom's condition. If anyone has questions they can contact me personally.

It's been such a hard road going through this at 23. I'm her only child so many medical decisions fell to me. Taylor and I are now handling my mom's affairs until she is able to. I began and finished occupational therapy for my hands. I'm also seeing a trauma therapist to help with my emotions (and sometimes lack-there-of) around this experience.

So, here is my attempt and letting the blog community know what's been going on in my life. If you have seen me since Oct. 9 and I looked different, that's why.

Funny enough, I miss my hair so much. I have a wig, but it just isn't the same. Those of you who grew out their hair before their wedding know what I'm talking about. It had just gotten long, then I was forced to chop it off. At least the wedding was out of the way!

Now to the better things that have happened after the accident:

1. I got a new car!

2. Taylor and I went skiing with his family over New Years

3. I had a really good first Christmas with Taylor's family and juggling the in-laws now

4. Taylor and I are hoping to save for a down payment on a house when our lease is up

5. When we get a yard, we want to get a puppy! (breed and name to be determined...)

6. I'm coming up on the one year anniversary at my job!

7. I had to replace my laptop because of the accident and now have a MacBook Pro

8. Taylor and I did Black Friday for the first time this year- it was an adventure to say the least

9. Mom is doing significantly better and becoming more independent each day.

Thank you to everyone who heard about the accident or just saw something was wrong and prayed for my family! Please know they meant the world to me and my mom.

Nightmare Pt. 2

Not to my surprise, I had another wedding nightmare. It wasn't as bad before, but it was still pretty bad.

I don't remember there actually being any decor in the church whatsoever.

There were no tuxes, so the groomsmen all wore different colored sport coats and one wore a red vest with no jacket for some reason...but in my dream I didn't know this until I saw the pictures, which were also bad.

I didn't have a hair appointment scheduled. I got my make-up done at the mall and it was awful.

I don't remember the reception at all.

I think I remember not smiling when I came down the aisle, which is the complete opposite of what I intend to do. Who looks sad on their wedding day, right?

And finally.

Taylor and I were interrupted after the ceremony (if you get my drift), by wedding guests coming to our apartment. That's not only rude, but awful and those people should be ashamed of themselves.

It was just wrong.

Oh yeah, and I get married 4 months from today! Eek! Can't wait to live with that boy.

Ick.

Dear Stomach Flu,

I don't like you. Not even a little bit.

I haven't thrown up since I was 12. And not only did you break my record, but it happened to be during my first pre-marital counseling class at church on Wednesday. I had to leave class and then make Taylor take me home. I'm sure all those other couples thought I just got nervous or something!

And now I missed two days of work and a dear friend's bachelorette party/personal shower extravaganza. So I'm sad.

...but I did lose three pounds. And I'll take those, but surely I can't keep this flu thing up just to lose weight until August. That just wouldn't be wise.

"Things"

My dear fiance has been such a peach during this whole wedding planning extravaganza. With this being his first (and only ever) wedding, and not being on the female persuasion, there are certain "things" he doesn't know fall into the process.

Here's an example of his incomprehension:

Me: "I think my dad is going to buy a new suit for the wedding."

Taylor's Mom: "Yeah, I think you're dad might get a new one, also."

Taylor: "Is that a thing?"

Me: "I bought a new dress today that I can wear to my bridal showers."

Taylor: "Is that a thing?"

Me: "I can't wait to register for a Kitchen Aid stand mixer. I hope I get one!"

Taylor: "Is that a thing?"

Taylor seems to be learning such new things everyday. At this point I could probably tell him ANYthing is a thing and he probably wouldn't ask twice and just do it.

Hmm...this might work to my advantage.

Discontinued

You know that bridesmaid dress I just blogged about? The one I spent days looking for? Well, it looks like I'm going to be looking a little longer....

I knew they were running out of sizes, but chose to believe it would all work out (After a warning call from a bridesmaid last weekend). Tuesday night I got a phone call from my Maid of Honor saying they didn't have her size in the dress.... we (Her wonderful mother and I) called and tried to see if maybe they were on backorder, etc. But no. Discontinued.

Only a few dresses left in that color, and my ever-so-pleasing bridesmaids were scheduled to have some rib bones removed, but I decided all that wasn't worth the effort just to fit into a dress....

Darn it.

So now, the maids and I are off to shop for new dresses on Sunday. I hope we find one that can compare, if that's even possible. And Melissa will be in town for it, yay!

In the words on Mama Karen (MOH's mother), "It just wasn't meant to be."

Que Sera, Sera.

Progressing

I've been pretty successful in the wedding planning department lately.

After a bridesmaid's dress minor breakdown, and my wonderful bridesmaids talking me down from the ledge, I finally made the decision. Oh, and I even consulted a wedding message board (low point, definitely) to get outside opinions. This stuff ain't so easy folks.

But here we have it:

A good choice, if I don't say so myself. I ordered it to see it in person, even tried it on and it looks great! Now that's one more thing to check off the list.

As of last night, Taylor and I picked out our wedding bands. After eating dinner at Pepperoni Grill in Penn Square mall we had an impromptu stroll by Helzberg's where he bought my ring. It was so cute seeing a ring on his hand : )

Today, I made a cake tasting appointment. I discovered this bakery has 40 cake flavors and 30 icing flavors. Whoa. I'm so pumped!

Oh, and one of my favorite activities to do now is wear my hair piece around my apartment when I do things like clean my room. I just makes me happy and I can't wait for it to be in my hair in 161 days!